


if only it was that easy

by ivych4n



Category: Original Work
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-02
Updated: 2021-02-02
Packaged: 2021-03-14 01:29:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 622
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29163435
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ivych4n/pseuds/ivych4n
Summary: T.W.: triggering thoughts
Comments: 1
Kudos: 2





	if only it was that easy

**Author's Note:**

> T.W.: triggering thoughts

Have you ever felt like you were on the edge of a cliff? Wondering if you wanted to jump or run away. Because you didn’t know if what you were feeling was fear or hunger for freedom. And you felt so conflicted about the doubts hunting your mind, that you just chose to turn off your thoughts and wait for someone, anyone to come and make the decision for you. To push, setting you free, or to pull and carry you away. You knew you needed that someone to make the decision, because at that point you were incapable of doing it yourself. Just because you didn’t want to face the consequences of any choice, the weight of the ‘what ifs’, or the burden of regret. The overthinking about the better outcome was overwhelming. You didn’t want that. So you waited. And you waited for too long. To the point you were just a fading memory of what you used to be, an empty shell. You waited to the point there was only one choice that would bring you satisfaction. But still. You couldn’t gather the courage to do it yourself. You wanted the freedom. You could see it, taste it. But never touch it. You never got to feel what it was like. You were scared, terrified. But you wanted it so bad... 

The doubts came again, crashing the already broken mind. What was waiting for you at the bottom? What would it feel like? Would that bring you peace? The curiosity about the unknown. Almost overcoming the fear. Almost. It was still there, tracing its fingers. Keeping you from moving. So you kept waiting for someone. Someone that would sympathize with your misery and finally give you what you have been longing for.

Nobody ever came, you grew tired of waiting. You jumped, putting your wishes as priorities first. Being selfish, choosing yourself. Now that empty shell was full with the excitement of the fall. The wind cutting through your body. The answer, that had been teasing you from the other side, you would finally reach. With open arms, embracing the future you had chosen, you fell. Closing your eyes as the bottom got nearer. A smile spreading across your face. A real one, not one of those you’ve put on to deceive everybody else. You laughed, out loud, like you haven’t done in so long. And lastly you hit the bottom. 

Leaving behind the broken heart, the shredded mind and the shattered soul. They didn’t matter anymore. The disguise you’ve been using, fading away. The masks you’ve been putting on, falling down. Abandoning the memories that once made you suffer. Leaving the pain that made tears stream down your face. The heart stops beating, the blood stops running, the brain stops reasoning. The weight of the world taken off of your back.

The peace you deserved finally there, bringing relief. Like running water in a burnt skin. Like gasping for air after almost drowning. You got something you never knew you needed. Being able to swim in this unending ocean of nothingness, and driving in this infinite road of numbness.

But you never got to know any of that, because when you opened your eyes you were still on the edge of that cliff. You couldn't blame your mind for playing tricks on you, but that didn't keep you from wishing that it was true. Because that insignificant flash of consolation made you crave for more and wish you weren’t such a dastard.

So you keep waiting for someone who will never come. For the simple fact that you will never be able to run away from yourself, you could never escape your own mind. But you still waited.


End file.
